Tuesday, November 13, 2012
(The quote on this picture gives a deeper understanding of this encounter and the ultimate goal of understanding.)
It's an extremely rare thing for me to be feeling so poorly that I don't do anything at all. But here I was, not thinking anything but drifting quietly in my mind, looking for a place to rest where I didn't feel anything, if only for a moment.
I sensed the energy in the room shift and turned to look toward the source. There stood my ex, who is now on 'the other side.' I was not terribly surprised. He had been coming to get me every night for about two weeks and we'd been soaring through universes and understandings with a happiness I had long ago forgotten.
Delighted to see him, I greeted him before noting the somber look on his face. "What's going on?" I asked a bit hesitantly.
"I need to apologize to you."
"For what? You....."
He stopped me. "I don't need you to tell me I didn't do anything wrong. I know what I did. And I know what I didn't do. And I need you to know that I'm sorry. I impacted your entire life and I now know how I can fix what I did. I need you to hear me. I mean really hear me."
"Absolutely," I assured him. "You know I'll listen."
He moved a few steps closer to me and I could see how vital this was to him. His eyes spoke volumes. "You loved me with all that you are. You gave me all that you are. And I stayed in my own stupidity and ego and loved what you gave me. But I didn't let you know that I loved you. I didn't put the love behind the words. You knew that and heard only 'empty.' I can tell you that I didn't know how to love completely like you do. I can tell you that I was afraid. I can tell you that I was selfish and just wanted what you were giving without having it 'cost' me anything." He laughed. "We both know how selfish I was. No need to talk about that."
His voice became as soft as the touch of an angel. "But what you don't know is that I loved you. I never let you know that." He waved his hand in the air. "I'm the one responsible for all that you're been through since, with these other men."
I immediately jumped to his defense. "How do you figure that?" I almost shouted. "You can't lay that on yourself. I'm the one who let them in and allowed what I did. Not to mention that you have nothing to do with their bad behavior."
"But what I'm trying to tell you is that I DO." I felt his energy settle back, readying himself to explain. "When I refused to let you know that I loved you, even while I knew you were giving me everything including your eternal soul, you 'learned' that this world wasn't going to love you no matter how much you loved it."
I started to protest, but he stopped me.
"You knew with everything that you are inside yourself that I really did love you. But I didn't show you. I didn't tell you and I literally made an effort to keep the truth from you. And so, you doubted what you knew. Not only that I loved you but also that the type of love you believed in was not possible on Earth. But I showed you that it couldn't, or wouldn't, be expressed here. And so, that means you took what you learned from me, or thought you learned from me, and you went out into the world with that false belief."
The relationships, the failures, that came after him flashed through my mind like lightning. I simply sat staring at him in silence.
"You see," he said quietly, "you manifested that false belief every time you tried to love. Your desire to believe in the level of love that you thought was possible was overpowered by the belief that I gave you. That even if you feel that love is really there, it isn't. My refusal to give it to you made you doubt that you knew what was real and what was not."
"And you're here now because?"
He smiled with all the love he had never given me. "Because it's time for me to help you understand that you were right all along." He studied me in silence for a minute and finally stepped forward and kissed me so softly that I might have been kissed by the wing of a butterfly. "You need to know that you were right all along. And you need to know that I love you with everything I am, through all time and space."
He drew back and gave me a rather sad smile. "I'll see you when you get home."
(NOTE: I truly thank each of you who have written and who have posted comments. This has to be one of the most touching blogs that I've written and the fact that it is touching you means more to me than words can say. Don appeared to me a few hours after I wrote this. (he had asked me to write this) He thanked me and then told me that he believed his story would help many others to heal. He thanked me for helping him to be of Service to you. With love, Lauren)(Oh .. another thing .. for some odd reason the blog is not allowing me to comment on your comments and so please forgive that. I do read each comment personally.)
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